THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

ON THIS DAY

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April 9, 1865:

Signing of treaty of surrender, American Civil War.

The conclusion of the American Civil War commenced with the articles of surrender agreement of the Army of Northern Virginia on April 9, at Appomattox Court House, by General Robert E. Lee and concluded with the surrender of the CSS Shenandoah on November 6, 1865, bringing the hostilities of the American Civil War to a close.

Legally, the war did not end until a proclamation by President Andrew Johnson on August 20, 1866, when he declared "that the said insurrection is at an end and that peace, order, tranquillity, and civil authority now exist in and throughout the whole of the United States of America."

Lee's defeat on April 9 began the effective end of the war, after which there was no substantial resistance, but the news of his surrender took time to spread and some fighting continued, though only small skirmishes.

President Abraham Lincoln lived to see Lee's surrender after four bloody years of war, but he was assassinated just five days later. The Battle of Columbus, Georgia, was fought on April 16, the day after Lincoln died. For the most part though, news of Lee's defeat led to a wave of Confederate surrenders.

Lee Surrenders to Grant, Appomattox, April 9, 1865

Lincoln 1860 and 1865

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POETRY SPOT

Rain From Nowhere

     Murray Hartin

His cattle didn’t get a bid, they were fairly bloody poor,

What was he going to do? He couldn’t feed them anymore,

The dams were all but dry, hay was thirteen bucks a bale,

And last month’s talk of rain was just a fairytale,

His credit had run out, no chance to pay what’s owed,

Bad thoughts ran through his head as he drove down Gully Road.

“Geez, great grandad bought the place back in 1898,

“Now I’m such a useless bastard, I’ll have to shut the gate.

“I can’t feed my wife and kids, not like dad and those before,

“Crikeys, Grandma kept it going while Pop fought in the war.”

With depression now his master, he abandoned what was right,

There’s no place in life for failures, he’d end it all tonight.

There were still some things to do, he’d have to shoot the cattle first,

Of all the jobs he’d ever done, that would be the worst.

Then he’d shower, watch the news, they’d all sit down for tea,

Read his kids a bedtime story and watch some more TV,

Kiss his wife goodnight, say he was off to shoot some ’roos

Then in a paddock far away he’d blow away the blues.

But he drove in the gate and stopped – as he always had

To check the roadside mailbox – and found a letter from his Dad.

Now his dad was not a writer, Mum did all the cards and mail

But he knew the writing from the notebooks that he’d kept from cattle sales.

He sensed the nature of its contents, felt the moisture in his eyes,

Just the fact his dad had written was enough to make him cry.

“Son, I know it’s bloody tough, it’s a cruel and twisted game,

“This life upon the land when you’re screaming out for rain,

“There’s no candle in the darkness, not a single speck of light

“But don’t let the demon get you, you have to do what’s right,

“I don’t know what’s in your head but push the nasty thoughts away

“See, you’ll always have your family at the back end of the day

“You have to talk to someone and, yeah mate, I know I rarely did

“But you have to think about Fiona and think about the kids.

“I’m worried about you son, you haven’t phoned for quite a while,

“And I know the road you’re on ‘cause I’ve walked every bloody mile.

“The date? December 7 back in 1983,

“Behind the shed I had the shotgun rested by the brigalow tree.

“See, I’d borrowed way too much to buy the Johnson place

“Then it didn’t rain for years and we got bombed by interest rates,

“The bank was at the door, I didn’t think I had a choice,

“I began to squeeze the trigger – that’s when I heard your voice.

“You said ‘Where are you Daddy? It’s time to play our game’

“'I’ve got Squatter all set up, we might get General Rain.’

“It really was that close and you’re the one that stopped me son,

“And you’re the one that taught me there’s no answer in a gun.

“Just remember people love you, good mates won’t let you down.

“Look, you might have to swallow pride and take that job in town,

“Just ’til things come good, son, you’ve always got a choice

“And when you get this letter ring me, ’cause I’d love to hear your voice.”

Well he cried and laughed and shook his head then put the truck in gear,

Shut his eyes and hugged his dad in a vision that was clear,

Dropped the cattle at the yards, put the truck away

Filled the troughs the best he could and fed his last ten bales of hay.

Then he strode towards the homestead, shoulders back, head held high,

He still knew the road was tough but there was purpose in his eye.

He called his wife and children, who’d lived through all his pain,

Hugs said more than words – he’d come back to them again,

They talked of silver linings, how good times always follow bad,

Then he walked towards the phone, picked it up and rang his Dad.

And while the kids set up the Squatter, he hugged his wife again,

Then they heard the roll of thunder and they smelt the smell of rain.

____________

ABC Fact Check has noted: A 2010 Queensland study found that agricultural workers were more than twice as likely to die by suicide than members of the general employed population. It also found construction workers and transport workers at a higher risk.

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QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

ON THIS DAY

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April 8, 1820:

Venus de Milo discovered on the Aegean island of Milos

The Venus de Milo or Aphrodite of Melos is an ancient Greek marble sculpture that was created during the Hellenistic period. Its exact dating is uncertain, but the modern consensus places it in the 2nd century BC, perhaps between 160 and 110 BC. It was rediscovered on this date in 1820 on the island of Milos, Greece, and has been displayed at the Louvre Museum since 1821. Since the statue's discovery, it has become one of the most famous works of ancient Greek sculpture in the world.

The Venus de Milo is believed to depict Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, whose Roman counterpart was Venus. Made of Parian marble, the statue is larger than life size, standing over 2 metres (6 ft 7 in) high. The statue is missing both arms. The original position of these missing arms is uncertain.

A photograph of a proposed restoration of the Venus de Milo incorporating the arm fragments found with the statue at the time of its discovery

Other possible restorations:

By the way:

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FROM THE VAULT

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From Bytes

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Caution: Some risqué content:

Spoonerisms

William Archibald Spooner (1844-1930) was an Oxford don who became so entangled in his own words so often that he has given his name to the linguistic foulup of transposing the initial letters of words near each other. 

A well known example of a spoonerism by someone other than the Speverend Rooner, I mean Reverend Spooner, is the announcer on a TV station talking about the program to follow: "Stay tuned for Charles Dickens’ immortal classic A Sale of Two Titties….er…..A Tale of Two Cities.” Another famous example is the deliberate spoonerism in the lyrics “I’m not the pheasant plucker, I’m the pheasant plucker’s son...”

One does not need to go beyond the words of Spooner himself, however, to find some famn dunny, I mean damn funny, examples. Spooner was not happy about his fame, given that he was renowned for being a dickhead. On one occasion after he had become known for his Spoonerisms he told a large crowd that had gathered to hear him speak "You haven't come for my lecture, you just want to hear one of those...things."

As his fame for spoonerisms spread, many such gaffes were made up by others, especially students, and attributed to him. He himself admitted to only one, his announcement of the name of a hymn to sing in chapel. Intending to say "Conquering Kings Their Titles Take", he instead blurted out "Kinquering Kongs Their Titles Take".

William A Spooner as caricatured in Vanity Fair, 1898

Physically Spooner was somewhat remarkable: an albino with a pink face, poor eyesight and with a large head on a small body. He was intelligent and well liked but had a problem with absent mindedness and with unintentionally mixing up his words and syllables.

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Some of Spooner's attributed spoonerisms (some may be apocryphal):

Let us glaze our arses to the queer old Dean"

(...raise our glasses to the dear old queen).

- Toast to Queen Victoria

"The Lord is a shoving leopard"

(Loving shepherd)

"It is kisstomary to cuss the bride"

(...customary to kiss the bride)

"You'll soon be had as a matter of course"

(You'll soon be mad as a Hatter of course)

- Comment to the wife of a new Bursar at the College in commenting on the workload

"We'll have the hags flung out"

(...flags hung out)

"a half-warmed fish"

(A half-formed wish)

"Is the bean dizzy?"

(Is the Dean busy?)

"a well-boiled icicle"

(A well-oiled bicycle)

"This vast display of cattleships and bruisers".

(This vast display of battleships and cruisers)

"He was killed by a blushing crow".

(He was killed by a crushing blow)

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Some other spoonerism items:

An item on the internet from some years ago:

One of my friends is a Jehovah's Witness and he took his little boy to the movies. As they were walking through the packed out cinema, he was mortified to hear his little 3 year old shout out “Dad, have you finished with your cockporn yet?”

However hard he tried he couldn't make his son say 'popcorn'!!

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Some riddles:

Q: What’s the difference between a magician’s wand and a policeman’s truncheon?

A: A magician’s wand is used for cunning stunts.

Q: What’s the difference between a war horse and a cart horse?

A: A war horse darts into the fray.

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

A: The nun has a soul full of hope.

_________________

“My favourite character in the Robin Hood saga is not Maid Marian but Friar Tuck, who I always thought was actually a spoonerism... “

      - Clement Freud

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QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

ON THIS DAY

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April 7, 1954:

US President Dwight D. Eisenhower voices fear of a "domino-effect" of communism in the Indo-China region

On this day in 1954, President Dwight D. Eisenhower coined one of the most famous Cold War phrases when he suggested the fall of French Indochina to the communists could create a “domino” effect in Southeast Asia. The so-called “domino theory” dominated U.S. thinking about Vietnam for the next decade.

“You have broader considerations that might follow what you would call the ‘falling domino’ principle. You have a row of dominoes set up, you knock over the first one, and what will happen to the last one is a certainty that it will go over very quickly.”

This would lead to disintegration in Southeast Asia, with the “loss of Indochina, of Burma, of Thailand, of the Peninsula, and Indonesia following.” Eisenhower suggested that even Japan, which needed Southeast Asia for trade, would be in danger.

Eisenhower’s announcement of the “domino theory” laid the foundation for U.S. involvement in Vietnam. John F. Kennedy and Lyndon B. Johnson both used the theory to justify their calls for increased U.S. economic and military assistance to non-communist South Vietnam and, eventually, the commitment of U.S. armed forces in 1965.

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AESOP'S FABLES

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Aesop's Fables, or the Aesopica, is a collection of fables credited to Aesop, a slave and storyteller believed to have lived in ancient Greece between 620 and 564 BCE. Of diverse origins, the stories associated with his name have descended to modern times through a number of sources and continue to be reinterpreted in different verbal registers and in popular as well as artistic media. The fables originally belonged to the oral tradition and were not collected for some three centuries after Aesop's death. By that time a variety of other stories, jokes and proverbs were being ascribed to him.

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The Father and His Sons

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The Fable:

An old man on the point of death summoned his sons around him to give them some parting advice. He ordered them to bring in a bundle of sticks, and said to his eldest son: “Break it.”

The son strained and strained, but with all his efforts was unable to break the bundle. The other sons also tried, but none succeeded.

“Untie the bundle,” said the father, “and each of you take a stick.” When they had done so, he told them: “Now, break,” and each stick was easily broken.

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The Moral:

Strength is in unity.

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In limerick form:

To his sons, who fell out, father spake:

“This Bundle of Sticks you can’t break;

Take them singly, with ease.

You may break as you please;

So, dissension your strength will unmake.”

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Comments:

The political motto "Unity is strength" associated with the fable was adopted by various trade union organisations. A depiction of a man kneeling over a bundle of sticks on the ground was used, often accompanied by the motto, for example:

Badge of the Nottinghamshire Miners Association

Manchester union banner:

The fable was also referred to by American trade union organisations in the 20th century.

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ON THIS DAY

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April 6, 1896:

Opening of first modern Olympics.

The 1896 Summer Olympics, officially known as the Games of the I Olympiad, was held in Athens, Greece, from 6 to 15 April 1896.

Fourteen nations and 241 athletes, all male, took part in the games. Participants were all European or living in Europe, with the exception of the United States team, and over 65% of the competing athletes were Greek. Winners were given a silver medal, while runners-up received a copper medal. Retroactively, the IOC has converted these to gold and silver, respectively, and awarded bronze medals to third-placed athletes. Ten of the 14 participating nations earned medals.

Athens had been unanimously chosen to stage the inaugural modern Games during a congress organised by Coubertin in Paris because Greece was the birthplace of the Ancient Olympic Games.

Australia has competed in every modern Olympics since inception.

Cover of the official commemorative album of the 1896 Olympic Games

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QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

ANIMAL TALES

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BOB THE RAILWAY DOG

Bob the Railway Dog (1878 – 1895, aged 16–17) is part of South Australian Railways folklore. Bob travelled the South Australian Railways system in the latter part of the 19th century, and was known widely to railwaymen of the day; he is part of the folklore in the area, and has been commemorated over the years.

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Life:

Bob first experienced the railway life when, as a young dog, he took a fancy to the workers building the railway near Strathalbyn and followed some of the navvies to the line. He was brought back to his owner, the publican of the Macclesfield Hotel, two or three times before finally disappearing. He was about nine months old at the time.

His true railway career commenced not long after being consigned from Adelaide, along with fifty other dogs, to Quorn, to be used to exterminate rabbits near Carrieton. Bob was, it was believed, picked up as a stray in Adelaide.

When the train stopped at Terowie, a stationmaster named William Ferry was taken by Bob’s charm and took him to the bustling railway town of Petersburg, now known as Peterborough. Ferry trained Bob to do all kinds of tricks, and later when he was guard on the narrow gauge Northern Lines, took Bob thousands of miles with him in the guard's van. Sometimes Bob rode with the engineman generally riding in the coal tender. Later, Ferry became Assistant Stationmaster at Petersburg but Bob continued to ride the trains alone.

By 1885 Bob had become accustomed to train travel and was known to venture to and from Petersburg often sitting in the front of the coal space in the locomotive tender, travelling many thousands of miles. According to the Petersburg Times "His favourite place on a Yankee engine; the big whistle and belching smokestack seem(ed) to have an irresistible attraction for him... he lived on the fat of the land, and was not particular from whom he accepted his dinner."

“The most curious part of his conduct is that he has no master, but every engine driver is his friend,” wrote The Spectator in 1895. “At night he follows home his engine man of the day never leaving him or letting him out of his sight until they are back on the Railway Station in the morning, where he starts off on another of his ceaseless journeys.”

Bob sitting on top of the driver's car of a stationary locomotive at Port Augusta Railway yard, railway staff stand in a group alongside the vehicle.

Bob did not like suburban engines because of their cramped cabs, but was known to clear out third class compartments for his sole use by "vigorously barking at all stations, usually succeeding in convincing intending passengers that the coach had been reserved of his special benefit". "His bark was robust and often caused strangers to believe that he was being aggressive when he really intended to be friendly." He had no master, but was befriended and enabled by the engineers (for whom he seemed to have a special affinity) and trainmen, and permitted to "ride for free, like a politician."

Some sources suggest that Bob's travels took him to all mainland states of Australia, being seen as far afield as Oodnadatta, Queensland. During one of his visits to Port Augusta, Bob is said to have caught a steamship to Port Pirie after apparently confusing the ship's whistle with that of a locomotive.

Bob is noted as having several accidents in his career. In his early career, Bob had a number of falls, after which he refined his skills jumping up onto, or from one locomotive to another, even as they moved. In Port Pirie, his tail became jammed – just where is not known. In another incident, Bob is reported as losing an inch off his tail after slipping off, and on another journey, his coat caught fire. During a stay in Adelaide, Bob is reported to have spent time at Goodwood Cabin, and, after tripping down the cabin's stairs, started rolling under and out the other side of a passing train.

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Poem:

The following poem was published in The Advertiser on 17 August 1895:

Home-keeping dogs have homely wits,

Their notions tame and poor;

I scorn the dog who humbly sits

Before the cottage door,

Or those who weary vigils keep,

Or follow lowly kine;

A dreary life midst stupid sheep

Shall ne'er be lot of mine.

For free from thrall I travel far,

No fixed abode I own;

I leap aboard a railway car;

By every one I'm known;

Today I'm here, tomorrow brings

Me miles and miles away;

Borne swiftly on steam's rushing wings,

I see fresh friends each day.

Each driver from the footplate hails

My coming with delight;

I gain from all upon the rails;

A welcome ever bright;

I share the perils of the line

With mates from end to end,

Who would not for a silver mine

Have harm befall their friend

Let other dogs snarl and fight,

And round the city prowl,

Or render hideous the night

With unmelodious howl.

I have a cheery bark for all,

No ties my travels clog;

I hear the whistle, that's the call

For Bob, the driver's dog.

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Collar:

Bob's collar on display at NRM Adelaide

Bob was provided with a collar bought by a commercial traveller who had taken a fancy to him after he had been "dognapped" by a farmer. In addition to two tags, two brass plates were rivetted to the collar itself. They were inscribed with:

Stop me not, but let me jog, For I am Bob, the drivers dog

and;

Presented by McLean Bros & Ricc

His collar is on display in the National Railway Museum, Port Adelaide, along with photographs and other artifacts.

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Death:

It was reported that Bob died on 29 July 1895. 

The Advertiser reported he had retired to Adelaide where he was known to dine regularly at a butcher's shop, run by a Mr. Evans, in Hindley Street, until his death at the age of 17. The Chronicle notes that after his afternoon tea, Bob was "heard to bark at a passing dog, and then with a pitiful howl dropped dead". He was eulogised around the world, as far away as Great Britain, and was lauded as "the king of outcasts".

On his death, his body was preserved and later displayed at the Exchange Hotel, Adelaide. His collar was initially given to the Lord Mayor of Adelaide, but was later passed on to the Australian Federated Union of Locomotive Enginemen.

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Present:

Bob's statue – Main Street, Peterborough

In 2009, the local community of Peterborough, as Petersburg is now known, raised funds for a statue of Bob. This was unveiled in November, and it is at the eastern end of Main Street

Bob is commemorated in Terowie via a series of information boards, labelled "Bob the Railway Dog Trail", at various points of interest in the town.

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

ON THIS DAY

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April 5, 1951:

Julius Rosenberg and Ethel Rosenberg sentenced to death for espionage.

Julius Rosenberg (1918 – 1953) and Ethel Rosenberg (1915 – 1953) were an American married couple who were convicted of spying for the Soviet Union, including providing top-secret information about American radar, sonar, jet propulsion engines, and nuclear weapon designs. Convicted of espionage on 29 March, 1951, they were sentenced to death on April 5. They were executed by the federal government of the United States in 1953 using New York's state execution chamber in Sing Sing in New York, becoming the first American civilians to be executed for such charges and the first to be executed during peacetime.

Other convicted co-conspirators were sentenced to prison, including Ethel's brother, David Greenglass (who had made a plea agreement), Harry Gold, and Morton Sobell. Klaus Fuchs, a German scientist working at the Los Alamos Laboratory, was convicted in the United Kingdom. 

For decades, many people, including the Rosenbergs' sons (Michael and Robert Meeropol), have maintained that Ethel was innocent of spying and have sought an exoneration on her behalf from multiple U.S. presidents.

Among records the U.S. government declassified after the fall of the Soviet Union are many related to the Rosenbergs, included a trove of decoded Soviet cables (code-name Venona), which detailed Julius's role as a courier and recruiter for the Soviets.

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SYDNEY SUBURBS

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DUFFYS FOREST

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Location:

Duffys Forest is a suburb of northern Sydney 28 kilometres north of the Sydney central business district in the local government area of Northern Beaches Council. Duffys Forest is considered to be part of the Northern Beaches region and the Forest District.

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Name origin:

Duffys Forest is named after Peter Duffy, whose father received a land grant there in 1857. He became a timber cutter and cleared a road through the bush to Cowan Creek, where he built a stone wharf for transporting timber. The wharf is still known as Duffys Wharf and the road is Duffys Track.

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History:

Peter Joseph Duffy (1814-78) was the son of district constable Patrick Duffy who sailed into Sydney on the ship Eliza in 1822, with his wife Bridget and their four children. Patrick received a grant of 100 acre (40.5 hectares) in the Parramatta-Pennant Hills area, a portion of which he cleared and established as an orchard.

Peter Duffy and his associates built a wharf of stone and timber, widened the road and commenced felling the trees. Some were slid down the steep ridges and into the water to be loaded on to the barges, some were hauled down by bullock teams and almost overnight, the gentle forest was a hive of activity.

The men did not live there permanently but remained in the bush for months at a time - some took their families with them - living in makeshift huts, some of wattle and daub with stringy-bark and slab roofs, others with sapling and hessian walls sealed with manure. All lived under the most primitive conditions but with plenty of fresh running water from the creeks or springs, and fish or game for the pot. The remains of the old wharf, built on an Aboriginal midden, are still there, partly submerged but still visible about one kilometre up Cowan Creek from Bobbin Head in an inlet known as Sledgehammer because of its shape.

Duffy's track became Booralie Road and the road to the old wharf is now a fire trail. The remains of an old wooden fence just above the old wharf are believed by some old timers to be part of Duffy' s boundary, others say it was a fence to keep in the bullocks and horses or the deer, pigs and goats that may have provided food for the hungry timbergetters.

Duffy's Wharf on Cowan Creek, circa 1900.

1894 saw the declaration of the Ku-ring-gai National Park, which eventually faced Duffys Forest on three sides. The period from 1890 through to the end of WW1 saw a degree of development of orchards and small farmlets. There was a conditional sale of land by the NSW Government in 1907, involving minimum lots of 2 hectares.

With the end of WW1, soldier settlements were introduced both at Forestville and Duffys Forest. Unfortunately, this was not a success due to the returned servicemen not having enough capital to develop their lots and also lacking expertise. Many ex-servicemen walked off their lots. The population was still not much more than 100 people.

The whole area of Duffys Forest and Terrey Hills was still known at this time as Duffys Forest.

Some more Dufffys -

Sarah Duffy, Jack Duffy, Elvy Duffy and John F Duffy

John Duffy was the mayor (then called President) and served in the first Warringah Shire Council from 1906, he was re-elected in 1908, 1911, 1914 and 1917. He served as the 5th Warringah Shire Council President from 1 March 1915 – 1 March 1918. He married Sarah Martha Horn in 1894 and they had a son, John Fredrick, who served in WWI and a daughter Elvy Margaret Duffy.

In 1924, both the Spit Bridge and Roseville Bridge were opened and private and commercial vehicles were being seen but not in great numbers.

The Depression of the 1930s made life hard and there was a transient population of unemployed men who slept rough and had a wash in the surrounding pools off the ridge line. In those days, the water was clear and pure, compared to the sad polluted state of these pools and creeks now.

The next period started with the end of WW2 and proceeded to the mid 1980s. Increased car ownership meant that more and more people were becoming familiar with the area but roads and streets in the city outskirts, such as Duffys Forest, were only slowly becoming tar sealed. The Sunday afternoon drive was becoming part of suburban family life. Roadside stalls started to appear catering to the suburban tourist.

Electricity eventually came to the area in 1967.

The proposal to create an airport at Duffys Forest created a furore from the local residents and a fight after 4 years, which they won.

Waratah Park was opened in 1967 and became famous for the television series “ Skippy the Bush Kangaroo “ which ran for 3 years. Much of the set and props are still there, although since being closed in August 2009 all of the animals including descendants of the kangaroos used in the series have now been removed.

The 'Duffys Forest Ecological Community' is an endangered ecological community of the Sydney basin.

From 1985 onwards, there was a general increase in prosperity with a bit of a dip in the early 1990s. 

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Gallery:

Bushwalking

Bush track

Scenery:

Some houses:

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QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

ON THIS DAY

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April 4, 1975:

Bill Gates and Paul Allen found Microsoft.

Microsoft Corporation is an American multinational technology conglomerate headquartered in Redmond, Washington.Founded on this day in 1975, the company became highly influential in the rise of personal computers through software like Windows, and the company has since expanded to Internet services, cloud computing, video gaming and other fields. Microsoft is the largest software maker, one of the most valuable public U.S. companies, and one of the most valuable brands globally.

Criticism of Microsoft has followed various aspects of its products and business practices. Frequently criticised are the ease of use, robustness, and security of the company's software. They have also been criticised for the use of permatemp employees (employees employed for years as "temporary", and therefore without medical benefits), and for the use of forced retention tactics, which means that employees would be sued if they tried to leave. 

Historically, Microsoft has also been accused of overworking employees, in many cases, leading to burnout within just a few years of joining the company. The company is often referred to as a "Velvet Sweatshop", a term which originated in a 1989 Seattle Times article, and later became used to describe the company by some of Microsoft's own employees. This characterisation is derived from the perception that Microsoft provides nearly everything for its employees in a convenient place, but in turn overworks them to a point where it would be bad for their long-term health.

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FUNNY FRIDAY

---- 😊😊😊 -----

Welcome to another Funny Friday, readers.

There is an old joke about a fellow who is out hunting and has an encounter with a bear. The joke is risque and I have avoided including it in Funny Friday, but then I saw part of it told in a TV series, ‘Killer’ on Netflix. 

I subsequently read that a young Charles and Camilla jointly tell a version of this joke at a party in ‘The Crown’. 

So that’s enough reason to tell it as the staring item, it also makes this week’s theme bears.

Enjoy.

Risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A hunter is walking in the woods searching for the biggest bear he can find when he stumbles across a giant brown bear. He pulls out his shotgun, steadily aims, and fires at the bear. The bear seemingly falls into a nearby ditch and appears to be dead. The hunter slowly walks over to the ditch, until he feels a tap on his shoulder. The man turns around, and just as he does, the bear asks: "Did you shoot me with that shotgun?" The man replies "Yes", and the bear throws down the man and starts having his way with him.

In a few weeks, the hunter devises a plan for revenge on the bear. He brings his double-barrel shotgun and is really ready to get even. He walks through the woods and sees the bear, so he steadies his aim, shoots the bear, and the bear falls into the ditch, seemingly dead. The hunter slowly walks over to the ditch, and just as he does, he feels a tap on his shoulder. When the man turns around he sees none other than the very same bear standing above him. The bear asks the man, "Did you just shoot me with that double-barrel shotgun? To this the man replies "Yes", and the bear has his way with him again.

After a month has passed, the man has recovered and is very eager for revenge. He brings an elephant tranquilizer this time and is sure he will have enough firepower to take down the bear for good. Just as before, the man is walking through the woods when he sees the very same brown bear. He steadies his aim and fires. The bear falls into the ditch, and the man slowly walks over to him. 

After searching for a while, the man is tapped on the shoulder once again. He turns around slowly to face the brown bear. The bear then asks him, "You really don't come here to hunt, do you?"

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Here is the Charles and Camilla script for the same tale:

CHARLES: Does anyone know the story of the Russian bear hunter? I'm afraid I've already told Mrs. Parker Bowles. Perhaps she could help me tell it.

CAMILLA: All right, sir.

CHARLES: A bear hunter goes deep into the Siberian woods. Suddenly, he sees...

CAMILLA: ...an enormous bear.

CHARLES: The hunter raises his gun, and, bang, he shoots. The bear disappears from view. "Got him!" he thinks. But then he feels a tap on the shoulder. He looks up to see the bear, who says...

CAMILLA: "No one takes a shot at me and gets away with it! You have a choice. Either I can tear you to pieces and devour you now, or..."

CHARLES: "...or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and let me have my way with you." The hunter pulls down his trousers, and the bear does his worst. Afterwards, the hunter hobbles into town...

CAMILLA: ...somewhat bow-legged.

CHARLES: Yes! And he buys a much bigger gun and goes back into the woods.

CAMILLA: And it isn't long before he sees the bear again. He raises his gun, bang, fires. But when the smoke clears...

CHARLES: ...the bear's nowhere to be seen. "Got him," the hunter thinks. But a moment later, he feels another tap on his shoulder, and the bear says...

CAMILLA: You know what to do.

CHARLES: Now, after the bear's done his worst, the hunter heads back in town again and buys an even bigger gun.

CAMILLA: A bazooka.

CHARLES: Yes! He goes back into the woods, he sees the bear, he takes aim and fires.

BOTH: Boom!

CAMILLA: But when the smoke clears, the hunter looks up to see the bear standing over him, and the bear says:

CHARLES: "You're not in this for the hunting, are you?"

Watch the clip by clicking on:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGUGH27fDYA

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A bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and...        cola"

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

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You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge.

"Oh no she beats me even worse than papa bear," says baby bear.

"So who would you like to live with?" the Judge asks curiously.

"My grandma bear in Chicago," says baby bear.

"Your grandma bear doesn't beat you?" asks the Judge?

"Oh no, the Chicago Bears don't beat anyone."

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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.

He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!

He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

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At dinner, my frustrated date said, “so napping and sitting around are seriously your only hobbies?? You told me that you were interesting!”

“No, no,” I corrected, “I said that I was into resting.”

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I went on a job interview. The interviewer asked “What is your greatest weakness “

I replied “I am too honest”

The interviewer said “I don’t think honesty is a weakness “

I said “I don’t give a fuck what you think”.

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In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear confrontations, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field. …We advise that outdoorsmen should wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them, and to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A cheerful old bear at the Zoo

Could always find something to do.

When it bored him, you know,

To walk to and fro,

He reversed it and walked fro and to.

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GALLERY:

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LAW & LAWYERS:

A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial.

Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?

Smith: Yes, I can. He said...

Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue.

This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the judge regarding the admissibility of Smith's testimony. After a couple of hours of deliberation, the judge calls for a recess while he consults his legal books.

It takes the judge several hours to search through his legal text, so much so that court gets adjourned for the day. Unfortunately, this exchange happened on a Friday with Monday being a public holiday. On Tuesday, everyone reconvenes in the courtroom, where the judge rules that Smith's testimony will be admissible. 

Jones proceeds to begin questioning Smith again.

Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?

Smith: Yes, I can. He said "Ugh!" and died.

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A politician goes on trial

Before he goes to the stand, his lawyer tells him, "remember, if you get asked a question you don't know how to answer, plead the fifth."

The bailiff asks "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

The politician pauses for a moment and says "Uh, I plead the fifth."

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